Fryzer Pharmaceutical announced today an exclusive licensing agreement with actor Charlie Sheen to market a custom-distilled formula called "Winning or W" (hypersheenazole narcissitane). The new drug is currently undergoing somewhat less than rigorous FDA testing in Hollywood. However, this reporter has been given exclusive access to the proposed marketing campaign and TV spots being prepared once Federal approval is "won" for the new controversial drug.
(scene: thoughtful man at work in neat shirt & tie)
Remember when life was a never ending party? Have you lost the manic "umph" you once had? Do you long for those days in college when you didn't need sleep for days on end? Do your family, friends, and co-workers describe you as stable, reliable, and just plain old boring? If so, then "W" may be for you!
Warning: Winning should NEVER be taken under a doctors care. Some people taking W have reported over one million voyeuristic Tweets. Minor side effects include: battered porn stars, destroyed hotel rooms, loss of child custody and at least one goddess, loss of employment, and references to friends, family, and co-workers as trolls. Other side effects have included the drinking of tiger blood and the waiving about of machetes. In certain rare cases people taking W have suffered death, and their children have cried all over their exploded bodies.
Yes, W may be just what you need to get the stifling and predictable train that is your life well on the way to derailment!
(Camera pans back from man in shirt and tie to reveal he's not wearing pants or underwear!)
If you cannot afford your medication, Fryzer Pharmaceutical will in NO WAY help...loser!